^ A \. 



lY WITH THE 
IFECIALISTS 



fn? ANCl-S S. W.ATS()N. M.D. 




Class J&SAi:4J_ 
Book.AM2llL3.__ 

COPYRIGHT DEPOSrr 



A DAY WITH THE SPECIALISTS 
OR, Cured at Last 



One hundred copies of this 

book have been printed for 

private distribution. 



A DAY WITH THE 
SPECIALISTS 

OR, CURED AT LAST 
A Tragic Farcelet 



BY 
FRANCIS S. WATSON, M.D. 




THE GRAFTON PRESS 

NEW YORK MCMX 






COPVRIGHT, 1910 

By FRANCIS S. WATSON 



©OLD '^2819 



r 



DEDICATION 

To THE Author 

To show that we appreciate 

Your artistry chirurgical. 

Dear Frank, your friends here beg to state 

They've gathered round to dedicate 

To you, a work Panurgical ; 

A hymn to Pa Hippocrates, 

Which, had we but the wit to quote it. 

Would make you laugh until you'd wheeze. 

We hope the little gift will please 

You. Anyhow, it should ; you wrote it. 



DRAMAT^ PERSONS. NON GRAT^ 

As performed at the Tavern Club, Boston, 
February 19, 1902 



Joshua Silas Slocum, of South Skudunk, Vt. 

Dr. Edward Reynolds 

MiRANDY Slocum, his wife, so far as any one 

knows, Dr. F. B. Lund 

Dr. Eliphalet Goodheart, a shrewd, but not 

erudite, country doctor. Dr. A. T. Cabot 

Dr. Fetch em, a fashionable, general practitioner 

of Boston, Dr. Paul Thorndike 

Dr. Fetchem's Footman, Dr. H. W. Cushing 

Nervous Patient, the tragic element in the 
drama, and the victim of the medical pro- 
fession. Dr. J. C. MuNRo 

Dr. Oily Worthhisword, Dr. Samuel Langmaid 

James, his office boy. Dr. H. W. Cushing 

Dr. Jollyman Oldmaid, an eminent consultant 
and specialist on diseases of the stomach. 

Dr. R. W. Lovett 

Dr. Up-to-date Carver, a distinguished sur- 
geon and a keen blade. Dr. F. S. Watson 



8 Dramat^ Persons Non Grat^e 

Dr. Winter ] Dr. Carver's three assistants. 
Dr. Bates }■ dragged into the roles by the 
Dr. Briggs J hair of their heads. 

, Dr. F. H. Davenport 

Dr. Lovett 
Dr. G. W. W. Brewster 

Buttons, Dr. Carver's boy. Dr. Cushing 

Mr. Ellis, the perfect product of modern sur- 
gery, and indistinguishable from Apollo, 

Dr. G. H. Monks 

Dr. Duckbill, ex-plumber, successor to Lydia 
Pinkham, and far-famed quack. 

Dr. F. G. Balch 

Dr. Duckbill's Scribe, Dr. Cushing 

X-Ray Exhibit, a transparent fraud. 

Dr. Roentgen 

Lunatics at Large, Malpractice Suit Lawyers, 
Christian Scientists, Natural Bone Setters, Isms, 
Osteopaths and paths of all sorts. Credulous Public, 
and other necessary accessories of the regular medical 
profession will be supplied appropriately pro re nata. 



A DAY WITH THE SPECIALISTS 
OR, CURED AT LAST 

SCENE I 

Introductory 

The kitchen of Joshua Silas and his wife 
Mirandy Slocum's home in Vermont. A table, 
centre; a horsehair sofa, right; two kitchen chairs 
and a rocking chair, hack and left. Door, rear. 
Mirandy with her sleeves rolled up, specs on her 
nose, engaged in making pastry at the table. 
Enter Dr. Eliphalet Goodheart, fur coat, medicine 
case under his arm and trousers tucked into top- 
boots. 

Dr. Goodheart. How dew, Mirandy. Where's 
Joshuay ? 

Mirandy. Joshuay.'' Oh, he's up-stairs a-nus- 
sin' of his complaints same 'shusual. 

Dr. Goodheart (places medicine case on chair). 
What are you a-doin', Mirandy.'' 

Mirandy. Oh, I'm a-makin' 'smore them mince 
pies an' doughnuts. He don't seem ter reUsh 

9 



10 A Day with the Specialists 

nothin' else cept naouw and then a pickle or tew, 
and he ain't satisfied ef he don't git one or tother 
three times a day at anyrate. Take yer settin', 
won't ye, Doctor? 

Dr. Goodheart {sitting down). Mirandy, do 
you want to know my real opinion 'baout Joshuay ? 

Mirandy. Wal, I don't see why not. 

Dr. Goodheart. Wal, of course you've known 
Joshuay purty middlin' well fer a considerable 
number of years, an' I've known him man an' boy 
sence he wus knee high ter a grasshopper. I don't 
know what you think. Miry, but it's my jedgment 
thet there ain't nothin' really the matter with 
Joshuay at all. 

Mirandy. Eliphalet! I b'lieve you're a-talkin' 
right dauwn hard sense, an' it's been my own idee 
fur quite a spell back. The hull trouble with 
Joshuay be thet he gits more satisfaction outer 
studyin' his numerous ailments than from anythin' 
else. I don't like ter say it, nor wouldn't to anyone 
else, but he suttenly dew take a heap o' comfort in 
yarb medicines an' groanin'. Naouw, the question 
is, what be ye a-goin' ter dew 'baout it? 

Dr. Goodheart. Wal, I'm mighty glad thet 
your opinion is the same ez mine. Naouw, ez to 
what we air a-goin' ter dew, it aint so easy, fur he 
alius wus tarrible sot in his mind when he got his 
head a-pinted one way, an' it dew seem 'sthough it 
would take nigh outer a convulsion of nater to turn 
him raound; howsever, I ruther guess I've got a 



Scene I II 

way ter git him cured up, an' I b'lieve he oughter 
pack right up, an' you tew, an' both on ye go 
daouwn ter Bostin an' visit some o' them big 
specialists, thet they've got thar; they've got all 
the new 'ventions, ye see, an' they dew say ez they 
kin look right inter a man's insides an' see the hull 
workin's of his vital organs. 

MiRANDY. 'Slike ez not, thar aint nothin' thet's 
tew much ter b'lieve 'n these days, what with 'lec- 
tricity an' them things. 

Dr. Goodheart. Wal, ez I wus a-goin' ter 
say, ye needn't worry but them specialist fellers 
'11 find plenty of diseases in friend Joshuay ter mek 
him pufFectly satisfied, an' it's my 'peenion ez how 
it's likely thet he'll be even more'n satisfied, and 
glad enough ter get home an' go right ter work 
farmin', an' find he ain't tew sick ter dew a good 
day's work right along tew. 

MiRANDY. Eli, you've hit onter the right idee 
an' we'll go right ahead, an' dew it terwonst. 

Enter Joshua, shuffling gait, pair of large 
carpet slippers, in his shirt sleeves, "wearing a look 
of patient endurance and misery. 

Joshua. Momin', Eliphalet. Haouw's yer 
health? 

Dr. Goodheart. Purty middlin', thank ye, 
haouw's yerself, Joshuay.'' 

Joshua {shuffles over to the horsehair sofa and 
lies down upon if). Oh, I'm 'bout same 'shushal. 



IS A Day with the Specialists 

I don't seem ter git no better. Fac' is, I'm gittin' 
nigh onter descouraged. 

Dr. Goodheaet. Wal, naouw, Joshuay, I'm 
goin' ter talk right out plain talk. I've got ter 
own up thet I've got 'baout to the end of my tether 
on your case, an' I hev bin a-talkin' it over some 
with Mirandy, an' ez far ez I kin see, she's 'baout 
of the same 'peenion ez I be, thet the best thing 
fer you ter dew, is to go right daouwn ter Bostin 
an' see them specialists thar, an' let 'em find aout 
jest what is the matter with you an' tell yer what 
ter dew ter git cured up. It'll take some money, of 
course, but then agin, yer likely ter earn more alive 
then yer be ef yer dead. Ef I understand it rightly 
Mirandy's 'baout med up her mind ter the same 
jedgment. 

Joshua. Doc, did I understand ye ter say ez 
haouw Mirandy'd med up her mind ter hev me go 
daouwn thar? 'Cos, ef thet's so, it'll save some 
time I reckon ter start in and get ready, fur thar 
ain't no partickler use in tryin' ter divart Mirandy's 
mind when it's sot on doin' somethin'. (Stroking 
his heard, and reflecting.) Mirandy, I s'pose yer 
raclact ez how yer did favor hevin' me try a spell 
of thet air Yeller kidney cure, ez yer cousin Ella 
was a-recommendin' fer me. 

Mirandy (with decision). Naouw, Joshuay, 
thar ain't no use a-talkin'. I'm a-goin' ter tek yer 
right daouwn ter Bostin termorrow, jes' ez Elipha- 
let says, an ' ye needn't trouble yer head 'baout 



Scene I 1ft 

packin' up yer tilings; I'll tend ter thet myself. 
The train leaves our depot at jes' four minits after 
six o'clock, an' thet's 'baout all there be ter say 
'baout it. I allers did hate a-dawdlin' raound, when 
yer've got somethin' ter dew. 

Joshua (aside). Wal, I didn't s'pose 'twarn't no 
use a-kickin' agin the pricks, but thar warn't no 
harm in tryin' jes' ter mek sartin. I'd a darned 
sight ruther tek my chances a-sottin' right here, of 
bein' boxed up decent and drivin' over ter the 
cemitry, than ter go daouwn ter Bostin, an' hev 
them air specialists a-clappin' their newfangled 
notions onter my sufferin' carcass, an' they do say 
ez Boston's a tarrible wicked place tew. (Suddenly 
brightening at the thought of the possible deter- 
rent effect of this fact upon Mirandy.) (Aloud.) 
Um — wal, Mirandy, thar's one thing anyhaouw. 
It'll be kinder interestin' fer yer ter see Bostin 
(with drawling deliberation), though they dew 
say ez Bostin's a kinder den of iniquity an' sin. 
Yes, I heam Joe Willis, when he cum back onst 
tellin' ez haouw 'twar jes' chock full uv sin an' 
deprivations. Why, he said ez haouw 'twarn't 
northin' oncommon ter see men a-reelin' through 
the streets, clean overcome with liquor. (With a 
final call upon his imagination.) Yes'n wussin 
thet, thar wuz painted Jezebels ter lure folks inter 
dark corners, an' thet he seen himself more'n one 
ragler decent church-goin' man fall inter the traps 
thet they sot raound in the most likely places, an' 



14 A Day with the Specialists 

get his soul 'tarnally chawed up 'fore he cud git 
outen 'em. 

MiRANDY (who has been regarding Joshua se- 
verely over the top of her specs). Ef you think, 
Joshuay S. Slocum, thet I ain't able ter handle any 
sech disreptible critters of sin, or thet I can't keep 
yer tew hum nights outen the way of them air 
Jezebels, whether they be painted, or whether they 
bean't, ye suttenly must hev been hvin' with yer 
eyes tight shet. Won't ye come in and take yer 
dinner with us, Eliphalet? 

Dr. Goodheart (putting on coat and taking 
medicine chest under his arm). Guess not, thank 
ye. Miry, I got ter be goin' 'long. Wal, Josh! I 
hope ye'll come back cured right up, an' I guess 
it's more'n likely ye will tew. So long! (Ewit.) 

Mirandy. Now, then Joshuay, ef you're ready, 
we'll go an' partake of our vittles with sech thank- 
fulness ez the state of your stummick'U allow. 
(Goes toward door to middle room, followed by 
Joshua.) There's no doubt baout one thing — you 
suttenly dew enjoy tollable poor health. (Exit 
both door, side). 

Curtain 



SCENE II 
Dr. Fetchem's Office 

Dr. Fetchem is a general practitioner, having a 
fashionable practice, a suave and impressive man- 
ner, a retentive pressure of the hand, the look of 
prosperity, the art of noncommittal speech and 
wise-looking silence. 

The curtains of office and waiting room rise 
together. Dr. F. is in the office seated at his desk 
reading a book, his back to the audience. Bell 
rings. Neatly liveried footman opens the waiting 
room door, rear, and ushers in the N. P. (Nervous 
Patient), and exit, closing waiting room door. 
Nervous Patient fidgets about for a moment, then 
Dr. F. enters waiting room through communicating 
door between it and office. 

N. P. Good morning, Dr. Fetchem. I have 
come to hear the result of your examination of me 
yesterday, and to know what I have to do. 

Dr. Fetchem. Quite so. Come in to the office, 
if you please. {They enter office.) Be seated! 
{Taking record book from drawer, and beginning 
to run through its index of names of patients. 
Turning to the N. P.) Let me see — er — This 
is Mr. Todd, I believe? 

15 



16 A Day with the Specialists 

N. P. Yes, I believe it is. 

De. Fetchem. To be sure. (Finding his rec- 
ord, and scanning it for a moment, while the 
'patient becomes palpably more and more anicious.) 
Ah, yes. Now, Mr. Todd, you should not allow 
what I have to say to give you the least alarm 
(N. P. at once looks greatly perturbed), but the 
fact is, I find that you have a number of troubles 
which make it important that you should place 
yourself under the care of certain of my distin- 
guished specialist confreres. I have written their 
names for you on this slip of paper. 

N. P. But, Doctor, do you mean to say that 
you cannot take care of the whole of me? I 
thought 3'ou were a general practitioner. 

Dr. Fetchem. Precisely, my dear sir, and for 
that reason I cannot assume the responsibility of 
anything more than your general diseases, such as 
smallpox, diphtheria, the plague, and such things, 
and unfortunately, you have none of that sort. 

N. P. Well, how many of them must I consult? 

Dr. Fetchem. Oh, not more than eight or 
nine. 

N. P. Eight or nine ! Good gracious ! do you 
think I am so ill as that.'' 

Dr. Fetchem (with look of profound wisdom). 
I have not said so. 

N. P. Won't it be very expensive for me to go 
to all these doctors? 

Dr. Fetchem. One should not count the cost 



Dr. Fetchem's Office 17 

too closely in the search for health. I must tell you 
that you should delay as little as possible in going 
to see these gentlemen. (Rising.) 

N. P. (starting towards door). Well, if I must 
I will start at once. Good morning, Dr. Fetchem. 
(Aside.) I am sure he is keeping back something 
terrible from me. (Exit through office door, rear, 
scanning list.) 

Dr. Fetchem resumes his seat and hook. Enter 
Joshua and Mirandy, waiting room door, rear, 
shown in hy liveried footman, whom Joshua sur- 
veys with much interest, while Mirandy gazes about 
at the detail of the room. Footman exit, waiting 
room door, rear). 

Joshua. Wonder what he be. Looks like a 
merlishly man, don't he, Mirandy .'* Ye don't sup- 
pose he be the doctor, do ye? 

Mirandy. Course he bean't, he'd hev spoke up 
ef it hed been. 

JosHTTA. Guess thet's so. (Looking about.) 
This house's fixed up kinder slick, naouw I tell ye. 
Tek it altergether, it's a considdable institootion. 

Mirandy (disposes of her impedimenta, placing 
umbrella, handbag, shawl, etc., etc., on and beside 
a chair, and sits down). Wal, I think we're for- 
t'nite ter git here at all. It's 'baout like looking 
fer a needle in a haystack ter find a doctor here. I 
never tho't thar wuz any place thet had so many 
doctors into it. Folks must be powerful ailin' 
daouwn here to Bostin. 



18 A Day with the Specialists 

Footman (enters office door, rear). Patients to 
see you, sir. (Exit.) 

Dr. Fetchem. Very well. (Rises and opens 
communicating door between office and waiting 
room.) Do you wish to see me.? 

MiRANDY. Yes, we dew, we cum daouwn from 
South Skudunk, Vermaount, a-purpus, ez directed 
ter dew by Dr. Eliphalet Goodheart. You've hearn 
tell of him, mebbe. He told us ter begin with you, 
so here we be. 

Dr. Fetchem. To be sure. Dr. Goodheart 
is known to me by reputation, and I am pleased to 
be of service to any of his patients. Which of you 
is it that needs advice, may I ask, Mr. ? 

Joshua. Joshua S. Slocum's my name, an' I be 
the one thet's ailin'. I'll mek yer 'quainted with my 
wife, Mis' Slocum. (The Doctor hows.) 

Dr. Fetchem. Well, now, let us find out some- 
thing about you, Mr. Slocum. What did your 
parents die of? 

Joshua. Wal, I don't rightly racklect, but 
'twarn't northin' serious. 

Dr. Fetchem (looks at Joshua with some sur- 
prise). Indeed! But cannot you recall the nature 
of their last illnesses.? 

MiRANDY (interrupting). 'Taint no use asking 
Joshuay northin' 'baout what his folks died on. 
But I kin tell ye. Mis' Slocum, she alius hed suf- 
fered from tollable good health, till 'baout tew year 
before she died, an' then she wus tuk with innerd 



Scene II 19 

spasms, an' I alius did allow that I never see no one 
thet enjoyed more sufferin' than Mis' Slocum from 
thet on till she passed away. But she wus alius a 
good religious woman an' she wus pufFectly re- 
signed an' willin' ter go. 

Joshua {interrupting). Willin'! she was 
obleeged, 

MiRANDY. Wal, naouw, Joshuay's grandmother, 
she— 

Dr. Fetchem (interrupting). A most estima- 
ble lady, no doubt, Mrs. Slocum, but — 

MiRANDY (interrupting). Wal, ez I wus a-goin' 
ter tell ye, she kinder divided up her time 'tween 
hevin' fits and cramps, an' — 

Dr. Fetchem (interrupting). To be sure, to 
be sure, my dear lady — 

MiRANDY (aside). I alius did hate folks ez 
called other folks their "dear leddies" ; it's too per- 
miscus. 

Dr. Fetchem. But to return to Mr. Slocum — 

MiRANDY. Naouw, thar wus Joshuay's uncle 
Zeekil tew, he alius hed a leanin' ter cholera from 
the fust, I guess. 'Tanyrate, he died of cholera 
mostly, I reckon, at sea onst — So, ye see thet 
Joshuay don't inherit not above extry good health. 

Dr. Fetchem (interrupting with decision of 
tone). Did you say, Mrs. Slocum, that Mr. Slo- 
cum's mother died after having had inward spasms? 

MiRANDY. Yes, thet's what I said, an' — 

Dr. Fetchem (quickly cutting across). Ah, in 



20 A Day with the Specialists 

that case, there is but one thing to be done and that 
at once, and that is to X-ray Mr. Slocum. 

Joshua. What be that? 

Dr. Fetchem. Oh, the X-ray? Why, it's the 
most wonderful discovery of the day, Mr. Slocum. 
It enables us to see through the human body, and 
to note all its inward workings. 

Joshua (aside). Wal, ef he's got any machine 
thet can look threw me any better'n Mirandy can, 
it'll sartinly be a wonderful discovery. (Aloud.) 
Wal, ef thet's necessary, go ahead. Does it hurt 
any. Doc? 

Dr. Fetchem. Oh, dear no! It won't take a 
moment. If you will just step into the next room 
on the further side of the waiting room. (Opens 
office door to waiting room and they pass into the 
room on the further side which still has the curtain 
down. Here X . . . . painted with luminous paint 
in such a way as to show his ribs and liver, etc., is 
substituted for J. Curtain rises, the whole room 
having been previously darkened.) That's right, 
Mr. Slocum, just make yourself quite comfortable, 
please. 

Mirandy. Where be ye, Joshuay? 

Dr. Fetchem. He is sitting right here, Mrs. 
Slocum. Turn on the X-ray, if you please. (A 
shawl which has hitherto concealed the luminous 

X , drops to his waist, revealing him as 

described above.) 



Scene II 21 

MiRANDY (startled). Heavens ter Betsy! what's 
that? 

Dr. Fetchem. It's only your husband, Mrs. 
Slocum. 

MiRANDY. Guess not! That critter bean't no 
husband of mine. 

Dr. Fetchem. I assure you, Mrs. Slocum, it 
is but the effect of the X-ray which renders the 
body transparent. 

MiRANDY (crossing over and running her hand 
over Joshua^s head and face). Wal, 'tis Joshuay. 
I never would hev b'lieved. Joshuay Slocum, hev 
you any idee what an ondecent spectacle you're 
a-makin' of yerself ? 

Joshua. I hain't done northin'. What you 
talkin' 'baout, Mirandy."^ 

MiRANDY (with firm conviction). Joshua Silas 
Slocum, ef I'd known when I went to church and 
married you, thet thar wus anythin' thet could mek 
you look like thet, I never would hev done it. You 
sartinly air homely. 



Curtain 



SCENE III 
Dr. Worthhisword's Office 

The Doctor is in the office. 

Nervous Patient (enters waiting room, ner- 
vously taking list from his pocket after placing bag 
on the table). Now, what ought I to do? Dr. 
Know All, he's the first. Ah! here it is. Spray 
throat at two o'clock. {Looks hurriedly at his 
watch. ) Gracious ! it's two minutes past two. 
{Takes a throat spray from the bag, goes to mir- 
ror, rear, and awkwardly sprays his throat, getting 
some of it in his eye, some on his necktie, etc., comes 
back and takes his seat after wry faces and vigor- 
ous spitting; consults list.) I wonder if it's time 
for anything else. Let me see — yes, Dr. Monocle's 
eye douche. {Dives into bag and produces a large 
bottle of eye wash and a large eye dropper with a 
good sized rubber bulb attachment ; returns to mir- 
ror; similar grotesque pantomime ; squirts a lot of 
the stuff onto his collar, making it perfectly limp.) 
Oh, how horrid! And I've got to make a call at 
Mrs. de Ventnor's. (Manages to get the wash all 
over his face, and a little into his eyes, which it 
stings violently. ) Ow ! it's awfully painful. I 
hope I haven't got the wrong thing. Wouldn't it 

22 



Scene III 23 

be horrible? Ah ! it's getting a Httle easier. {Grad- 
ually recovers and comes blinking down stage to 
consult list again.) I hope there isn't anything 
more to be done now. {Rises and looks about with 
embarrassment, drawing at the same time another 
large syringe, with a long tube attached to the 
bulb, from the bag, fills it from a bottle.) I really 
don't see how — {Looks helplessly about.) 

Enter Dr. W orthhisword. N. P. hastily stuffs 
the syringe into his coat-tail pocket (he has pre- 
viously filled the syringe), leaving the end hanging 
out; sits down hurriedly in his embarrassment upon 
the bulb of the syringe, and a stream of water runs 
over the Doctor's best chair to the floor. 

N. P. Oh, Doctor, I am a patient of Dr. 
Fetchem's. 

Dr. Worthhisword. Ah ! in that case, I cannot 
of course undertake your case. 

N. P. But why not.? 

Dr. Worthhisword. Professional etiquette for- 
bids, sir, and I think also there must be a mistake. 
You are evidently looking for my friend Dr. Stop- 
leak Plumber. He lives just two doors below; such 
a condition as yours is dangerous ; don't delay a 
moment. {Escorts the N. P. rapidly to door, rear. 
N. P. exits, syringe tube hanging from his coat-tail 
pocket.) 

Dr. Worthhisword. Confound him, he has 
spoiled my best chair. {Takes chair cushion by one 
comer, carries it into office, and tosses it out at 



24 A Day with the Specialists 

door, rear; closing door and taking out his watch.) 
It's time those patients were here that I asked Dr. 
Jollyman Oldmaid to see with me in consultation. 
{Bell rings.) Ah! I rather think they've come 
now. {Enter Joshua and Mirandy hy waiting 
room door, rear. Dr. W. goes to meet them from 
office.) Come in, Mr. Slocum. Come in, Mrs. 
Slocum. I don't think Dr. Oldmaid will keep us 
waiting long. {They pass into office. Joshua and 
Mirandy and Dr. W. sit down.) 

Joshua. Oh, thar's no need to worry on aour 
accaount. We didn't cal'late ter tend to no other 
bizness, but jes' doctorin', when we cum daouwn. 
{Bell rings.) 

Dr. Worthhisword. Ah, that's the Doctor now, 
no doubt, {Enter Dr. Jollyman Oldmaid, office 
door, rear. ) How d'ye do, Doctor. I'm very much 
obliged to you for coming. 

Dr. Oldmaid {shaking hands with Dr. W.) Not 
at all. {Takes off overcoat.) 

Dr. Worthhisword. Let me introduce you to 
the patient, Mr. Slocum, Doctor. 

Dr. Oldmaid. I'm glad to see you, Mr. Slocum. 

Joshua {without rising). Haouw dew.? Mek 
ye 'quainted with my wife. Mis' Slocum. {Waves 
his hand toward Mirandy. Mirandy nods.) 

Dr. Oldmaid. Well, I am sorry you need ad- 
vice from the profession, Mr. Slocum, but I've 
no doubt, my friend the Doctor here, will put you 
all right again soon. 



Scene III 25 

Joshua. Wal, thet's what I'm a-lookin' fer. 

Dr. Worthhisword. Now, if you will just step 
into the waiting room again, I will call you when 
the Doctor and I have got through our consulta- 
tion. {Joshua and Mirandy re-enter waiting room 
and sit dozen . ) 

Joshua. I don't know much 'baout these con- 
sultations, but it dew look ter me ez ef 'twould hev 
bin more nat'ral ef they'd hed me in thar ter con- 
sult 'baout. Don't yer think so, Mirandy? 

Mirandy (with asperity). Don't ask me. Their 
ways is past understandin' 

{In office on other side of partition.) 

Dr. Worthhisword. Well, old man, I'm glad 
to see you. Sit down and tell me how everything is 
with you. 

Dr. Oldmaid. I'm first rate, and I hope you 
are. I haven't been able to think of anything but 
the foot ball game at Cambridge j^esterday. Of 
course you saw it. 

Dr. Worthhisword. Well, rather. Wasn't it 
a corker? I had no idea that our boys would set 
up such a game. {Byplay between doctors, while 
Mirandy lays out food in the next room, and to 
end of next paragraph marked "0.") 

Joshua. Say, Mirandy, ain't it 'baout time we 
hed some victles. I'm feelin' kinder holler. 

Mirandy. Why, sakes alive, ef I ain't clean fer- 
got 'em, an' you not eatin' yer breakfast neither. 
{Opens a bag, and takes out of it, — each thing 



26 A Day with the Specialists 

being wrapped in a separate doily, — a piece of 
pale mince pie, a piece of cheese, four doughnuts, 
two large pickles, and a glass bottle filled with tea 
of a gruesome color; these she places upon the 
table, and they begin to eat. Byplay through rest 
of doctors' talk. "O.") 

{In office. ) 

Dr. J. Olbmaid. That old fellow in the other 
room reminds me of a pretty good story I heard the 
other day, of a Britisher and a Yankee who were 
engaged in a discussion which ended by getting 
pretty hot ; the Britisher finally lost his temper, and 
said, "Well, I 'drather, yes by Jove, I 'drather be 
a third class Britisher than a first class Yankee." 
"Wal," said the Yankee, "I guess you've got your 
drather." {Both laugh.) 

Dr. Worthhisword. That's a good one. 
Staples told me one that will match it, where a 
Britisher scored off a Yankee. They, too, were 
engaged in a similar discussion, only this time it 
was the Yankee that lost his temper, and wound up 
by saying, — "I'll have you understand that I am a 
self-made man. Sir." "Really, who interrupted 
you?" asked the Briton. 

Dr. Oldmaid. Well, I must be going. Oh, by 
the way, what about this patient of yours, what's 
the matter with him ? 

Dr. Worthhisword. Nearly as I can make out, 
it's a case of Carcinoma Epigastrii, complicated 
by Pityriasis Versicolor. 



Scene III 27 

Dr. Oldmaid. Well, urn, — well, what do you 
want me to say to him ? 

Dr. Worthhisword. Oh, whatever you think 
best. 

Dr. Oldmaid. What treatment have you given 
him.? 

Dr. Worthhisword. None as yet. 

Dr. Oldmaid. Why don't you inflate his 
stomach ? 

Dr. Worthhisword. Good! That's a good 
idea; I'll do it. 

Dr. Oldmaid. He looked to me like a suitable 
subject for Suprapubic Prostatectomy. 

Dr. Worthhisword. Yes, I think so too. We'd 
better send him over to Carver to decide about that, 
I suppose. 

Dr. Oldmaid. Yes, that's the best thing to do. 
Well, let's have him in. 

Dr. Worthhisword goes to door, and beckons in 
Joshua and Mirandy. They go into the office^ 
Joshua casting regretful looKs at the food. 

Dr. Oldmaid. Well, the Doctor and I have gone 
over the case very carefully, and I entirely agree 
with everything he has said to you about it. 

Joshua. I didn't know's he had said anythin* 
'baout it yet. 

Dr. Oldmaid. Oh, I thought the Doctor had 
already spoken to you. Well, he will tell you di- 
rectly, and I believe that his plan of treatment is 
also the best that could be possibly applied to such 



28 A Day with the Specialists 

a case as yours. You are certainly to be congratu- 
lated on being in the hands of so skilful a man as 
the Doctor. Well, I won't delay you. (Starting 
to put on his hat and coat.) 

Joshua. Wal, say, ain't yer a-goin' ter look at 
me before ye goes? 

Dr. Oldmaid. Well, it is scarcely necessary, I 
think. You see I can always rely so absolutely on 
the Doctor's examination, that it is just the same 
as though I had done it myself. 

Joshua. Wal, I dessay, but I didn't know ez 
he'd examined me none yet. 

Dr. Oldmaid. Er, — Ah, — Um, — well — he will 
do so directly, and I meant to say that I shall be 
able to rely so absolutely on what he finds when he 
does, that it will be just as though I had done it, 
but {looking at Dr. W., who has for some time been 
trying to attract his attention), if, of course, it 
will be more satisfactory to you to have me make 
an examination, I will be glad to do so at once. 
(Goes up to Joshua, and goes through a series of 
percussions, auscultations and other movements, 
ending by asking Joshua to put out his tongue, 
after which he turns to Dr. Worthhisword.) Well, 
Doctor, it is exactly as you said it would be. I cer- 
tainly think he should have the stomach inflated, 
and it would be better to go to Carver after you 
have got through with him. (Turns again to put 
on his coat.) 

Joshua (who has kept his tongue out all the 



Scene III 29 

while, says indistinctly, still keeping it out of his 
mouth). Say, Doc, ef yer be 'baout threw with 
my tongue, wouldn't min' takin' it inside agin, its 
gettin' kinder cooled daouwn. 

Dr. Oldmaid. Why, I didn't mean, of course, 
to have you keep it out like that. 

Joshua. Wal, I didn't know. 

De. Oldmaid. Well, I'll be off now. (Goes to 
door, rear.) Good day, good bye. {Exit.) 

Dr. Worthhisword. Now, I must tell you 
that we have decided that it will be necessary to in- 
flate your stomach. And so, if you please, we will 
do that at once. 

Joshua. Wal, you're the Doctor ! 

{Dr. Worthhisword goes to left of room and 
takes a pump with long tube attachment and places 
it near a chair, upon which he motions Joshua to be 
seated. The latter comes slowly forward and sits 
down.) 

Joshua. What did yer say ye wus a-goin' ter 
dew ter my stummick? 

Dr. Worthhisword. Inflate it, sir. A per- 
fectly simple matter, you needn't be in the least dis- 
turbed. It won't take me a moment. {Connects a 
straight tube to the rubber one on the pump, tests 
the pump, etc., etc., rolls up his sleeves, takes hold 
of the straight tube, goes to Joshua and says). 
Now, then, if you will just open your mouth wide, 
and throw the head well back — That's right. 

Joshua begins to remonstrate and question, but 



30 A Day with the Specialists 

before he can get out a whole sentence, the Doctor 
has skilfully inserted the end of the tube into his 
throat, and passed it on into his stomach [telescop- 
ing tube to be used for this purpose^. Joshua 
makes a series of writhing contortions while it is 
descending, and ends by assuming a sort of gal- 
vanized attitude. The Doctor uttering reassuring 
remarks from time to time, pumps in air through 
the tube; as he does so, Joshua's abdomen gradu- 
ally swells to enormous dimensions, finally floating 
him out of his chair and onto his tiptoes, at which 
point Mirandy, who has been regarding him with 
growing horror, starts forward and seizes him by 
the coat-tails in order to keep him down. 

Mirandy. Sakes alive ! Joshuay, where be ye 
a-goin' ter? What air ye a-doin' of? Doctor, 
what on airth is the matter with him? Can't you 
let the win' outen him? 

Dr. Worthhisword {who has become seriously 
alarmed). Don't be alarmed, my dear Madam. 
(Turns quickly to pump and reverses a stop cock. 
A loud explosion follows; Joshua's abdomen col- 
lapses and he falls onto Mirandy, squashing her 
flat.) 

Joshua {slowly recovering). Judas Priest! 
thoiiffht I knew suthin' 'baout win' on the stum- 
mick myself, but all I ever done thet way, wus jes' 
amatoor wuk. Gosh ! thought I was goin' straight 
up ter heaven one while thar. Didn't feel ez tho' 
I weighed more'n an ounce or tew ; ef Mirandy 



Scene III 31 

hedn't caught holdt of mc, don't know haouw fur 
I would hev gone. (Looking about.) Where be 
yer, Mirandy? Wal, Jerusliay, ef I bean't a-settin' 
on 3'er. {Slowly struggles to his feet and helps Jier 
up. ) Wal, ef this don't beat cowcumbers ! 

INIiRANDY (slozdy recovering her breath). Be 
yer hurt any, Joshuay? I b'lieve he might hev 
killed yer. (Turning wrathfully upon the Doctor.) 
I'll • hev ye understan' Doctor, thet Joshuay S. 
Slocuni aint no toy balloon. What on airth dew 
yer mean by a-blowin' uv him up in thet ondecent 
manner? I never did hear of sech goin's on in all 
my life. Joshuay, come right along uv me. I 
ain't goin' ter hev yer stoppin' with no sech critter 
as this. (Drags Joshua out of office through wait- 
ing room. Both exit through rear door, followed 
by Doctor, expostulating.) 



Curtain 



SCENE IV 

Dr. Up-to-Date Carver's Office 

Dr. Carver is a surgeon who has reduced his prac- 
tice and himself along with it to a perfect machine- 
like system, and who moves with extraordinary 
rapidity through each day's work in consequence. 
His office is provided with contrivances to save 
time. All his surgical instruments are ready packed 
in large hand bags, which stand on the floor along 
one side wall of the office, and are labelled in large 
type, "Lung Kit," "Liver Kit," etc. An instru- 
ment sterilizer occupies a shelf on one side wall, and 
a case containing^ bandages, dressings, etc., etc., 
the other. There is also a desk, a revolving chair 
in front of it, two or three other chairs, a long 
table fitted with lamps, etc. Typewriting machines 
are heard outside the waiting room. Three assist- 
ants are engaged in packing operating bags and 
sorting out surgical instruments as the curtain 
rises. Dr. Carver is rather abrupt in manner, and 
speaks with a sharp incisive voice. 

Enter Dr. Carver. 

Dr. Carver. Ah, good morning, gentlemen. 
What have we got to do to-day, Dr. Winter.? 

33 



Scene IV 33 

Dr. Winter (coming forward, reads from list). 
Total extirpation of the liver, Fall River; removal 
of left lung, Lowell ; excision of lower half of the 
spine, Cambridge ; two cases of acute appendicitis, 
Boston ; requests for eight consultations, three of 
them out of town ; ten operations at the hospital ; 
demonstration of your new instruments at the hos- 
pital at noon ; Mr. Ellis to show the photograph 
which represents him as he was before operation, to 
call at 2.30. (Hands Dr. C. the list; the latter 
rapidly scratches pencil through certain details and 
returns it.) 

Dr. Carver. Lowell train.'' 

Dr. Winter. 9.30, sir. 

Dr. Carver. Dr. Bates, meet me with the lung 
kit at the station at 9.20. 

Dh. Bates. Yes, sir. (Catches up lung kit and 
exit quickly.) 

Dr. Carver. I will do the spine case at Cam- 
bridge on my way back. Dr. Briggs, meet me at 
the patient's house at 11.45 with the spine kit. Dr. 
Winter, 'phone the family doctors at Lowell and 
Cambridge, notifying them of the hours of opera- 
tion. 

Dr. Winter. Yes, sir. (Hands Dr. Carver a 
slip of paper.) Here are the names and addresses 
of the patients and family physicians. 

Dr. Carver (putting it in his pocket). Very 
well. Notify the Fall River doctor that we will 
take out his patient's liver to-morrow. Put the two 



34 A Day with the Specialists 

cases of appendicitis on the waiting list. Dr. Win- 
ter, you will deliver my lecture ; rehearse the demon- 
stration beforehand. 'Phone the hospital and re- 
quest Dr. Egbert to do the five minor operations 
this morning. Say that I will do the five major 
ones at five o'clock this afternon. Notify the out- 
of-town consultants that I cannot see their patients 
until day after to-morrow. I will see the others 
here this afternoon between three and five. What 
have you got there, Dr. Winter.'' 

Dr. Winter (presenting two X-ray photo- 
graphs). The interior views of Mr. Bates and 
Mrs. Jarvis, sir; the two patients you wished to 
have the X-ray pictures of. 

Dr. Carver. Ah, yes. (Studying the photos a 
moment.) I see — very good. (Handing them 
back.) See that the patients' names are put on 
them. Dr. Winter, I want to see the stone that I 
sent you to remove from the kidney in the Salem 
case, last Wednesday. Have you got it here ? 

Dr. Winter. I am sorry to say, sir, that there 
was an unfortunate mistake in that case, — what ap- 
peared in the picture as a stone in the left kidney, 
turned out to have been the suspender button on 
the back of the patient's trousers, so that — 

Dr. Carver. What!!! (After a moment's re- 
flection.) Well, of course we are not answerable 
for the mistakes of a stupid photographer. It only 
shows that one should always operate one's self in 
such cases. (Taking out his watch.) Is my car- 



Scene IV 35 

riage ready? {Dr. Winter nods.) I shall be back 
at 2.15. Good morning, gentlemen. (Exit quickly 
followed by Dr. Winter, who seizes the spine 
bag and kit, holding his hat in his teeth and strug- 
gling to get into his coat.) 

Curtain. 

The curtain has been up in front of the office 
only, thus far. After a moment's pause, the cur- 
tains of both waiting room and office rise together 
— an interval until 2.30 o'clock being supposed to 
have elapsed since the fall of the office room curtain. 

A sleepy office boy is dozing in a chair in the 
waiting room; as the curtain rises, Mr. Ellis enters 
the waiting room carrying large Sarony photo- 
graph, which he removes from its paper wrapper, 
and stands on a chair facing the audience; goes to 
mirror, and looks at his image with evident satis- 
faction. The office boy wakes up and catching 
sight of the Sarony picture, shouts 

Office Boy. Gee whiz! What is it.'' (Bolts 
toward door, rear, in terror. As he does so, enter 
Nervous Patient hurriedly and slams door; a chorus 
of derisive yells from street boys, comes, for a sec- 
ond, through the open door. Office boy on seeing 
N. P. is even more terrified, shrieks) Holy grand- 
mother! (Bolts through side door of waiting room 
into office.) 

Nervous Patient (after holding the door for 
a moment, advances toward front of stage. He is 
dishevelled, collar limp, an ear trumpet is attached 



86 A Day with the Specialists 

to one ear, he wears a pair of huge specs, has a 
plaster on the back of his neck, the ends of the eye 
dropper and the throat spray protrude from two 
pockets, and the tube of the injection syringe hangs 
from his coat-tail pocket. As he comes forward, 
sees the Sarony picture and shies across the stage). 
Good gracious ! what a dreadful looking creature ! 
Mr. Ellis (who has been watching him from 
back of stage). I might return the compliment. 

Enter Dr. Winter waiting room door, rear. 
Takes the N. P. for a drug and surgical supplies 
agent. 

Dr. Winter. Dr. Carver never buys anything 
from drummers and agents, so 3'ou need not wait. 

N. P. I don't know what you mean. I come 
from 

Dr. Winter. Oh, yes, I know all that, and just 
what you have got to say, but we haven't any time 
to listen to it. 

N. P. I never have been so treated in my life. 
I wish to see Dr. Carver 

Dr. Winter. Well, he won't see you, and you 
cannot stay here taking up my time any longer. 

N. P. I shall certainly not go out. 

Dr. Winter. Oh, that's the sort you are, is it? 
Ver}"^ well. (Grabs him, by the back of the neck 
and despite his struggles and vehement expostula- 
tions, pushes him vigorously through the door. 
Sound of some one tumbling on stairs outside fol- 



Scene IV 37 

lozvs his exit, also a moment later renewal of yells 
of street hoys, not so loud as before.) 

Dr. Winter. Bj Jove! I don't believe that 
fellow is an agent at all ; he acts much more like a 
sneak thief. {Seeing Mr. Ellis for the first time). 
Oh, Mr. Ellis, I beg 3'our pardon, I did not see you. 
The doctor will be in directly ; come in here a min- 
ute while you are waiting for him. {Exit waiting 
room door to third room followed by Ellis carry- 
ing the picture.) 

At the same moment enter waiting room door, 
rear, Joshua and Mirandy. The former advances 
to front holding the pit of his stomach and making 
strange choking and swallowing movements. 
Mirandy pauses a moment at door, and looking 
hack through it says: 

Mirandy. Heavens ter Betsey ! I wonder what 
ailed thet young man thet run inter us on the stairs. 
'Pears ter me, he must be sufferin' from an attack 
of bad manners. {Closes the door and comes down 
stage; notices Joshua's extraordinary manoeuvres 
after adjusting her specs and looking at him hard.) 
Say, Joshuay, what in all get out's the matter with 
you naouw ? You ac' f er all the world ez though ye 
hed the pip. Hevyou.'' {Regards him anxiously.) 

Joshua {after a final expulsive effort, coiighs 
up a laryngeal mirror into his hand, and looks at 
it with mingled triumph and disgust). Thar 's 
jes' ez I thought. I knowed ez haouw thet darned 
throat doctor thet we jes' come from seein', hed 



38 A Day with the Specialists 

left one of them lookin' glasses of his'n somewhere 
daouwn in my msides. I dew b'lieve thet 'twould 
hev got stuck there permanent ef thet young man 
hedn't hustled inter me so lively as he went aout. 

MiRANDY. That air specialist throat doctor wus 
'baout the mos' keerlessest man I ever did see. 
{Joshua begins to make more expulsive efforts. In 
alarm) Sakes alive! Joshuay, ye ain't a-goin* 
ter tell me thet ye've got any more o' them fixin's 
daouwn in ye, air ye ? 

Joshua (m a momentary respite). Wal, I 
dunno ez I hev, an' I dunno ez I hevn't. I ain't 
by no means sartin haouw much uv his outfit he 
might hev left daouwn thar. {Chokes again.) 

MiKANDY. Joshuay, I b'lieve you's a-doin' thet 
jes' ter scare me, bean't ye naouw? 

Joshua. Wal, naouw, Mirandy, I calc'late thet 
ef you'd been in my place with thet air throat doc- 
tor man, you'd hev knowed ez thar ain't no call to 
make b'lieve. (Seized mth a sudden spasm and 
coughs up the end of an electric lighting instru- 
ment for the throat.) Say, Mirandy, I'm darned 
ef I know whar this one cum from. It mus' cost 
him some to keep hisself in tools ef he's ez free with 
'em with the rest uv the folks he takes care on, ez 
he wus with me. (Pulls a copy of the Boston Globe 
from his pocket.) Mirandy, I tell ye what 'tis. 
I've 'baout med up my min' thet ef this doctor 
here don't dew somethin' better fer me than the 
rest uv 'em hez I'm goin' ter try some er these here 



Scene IV 89 

ones thet I see advertised in the newspaper tcrday. 
Naouw, ef you'll look here, ye'll see thet thar's a 
number on 'em ez 'pears ter have hed considdable 
success, an' their patients sez so right aout in print 
tew, so thar can't be no foolin' 'baout it. Naouw, 
here ye see's — why, they's even got his pictur' inter 
this paper along o' his letter sayin' ez haouw he 
got cured up of all his diseases. (Shows the paper 
to Mirandy, and they consult over it together dur- 
ing the interval until they are summoned to see 
Dr. Carver.) 

Enter Dr. Carver, by office door, rear, throws 
off hat and coat, takes out watch. 

Dr. Carver. Umph ! 2.30. Quarter of an 
hour late. {Goes to side wall, presses button. A 
slide bearing lunch tray is pushed through the wall. 
Dr. C. taJces a sandwich and begins to eat it stand- 
ing up. Bell rings, a second later knock at office 
door; bell rings again, — office boy puts his head in 
at office door, rear.) 

Office Boy. There's three patients and a pic- 
ture and another — (Stops, and exits.) 

Dr. Carver. Well, it's evidently a case of no 
lunch again to-day. (Pushes back tray. Enter 
two assistants with bags, and a moment later. Dr. 
Winter by office doors, rear and side respectively.) 
Ah, you're back, are you, gentlemen.'' Well, Dr. 
Winter, how did the lecture go.'' 

Dr. Winter. Well, of course it was not re- 
ceived as enthusiastically as though you had deliv- 



40 A Day with the Specialists 

ered it, sir. {Dr, C. interpolates. No, of course, 
of course.) But apart from that, it seemed to me 
to be satisfactory. 

Dr. Carver. How did you leave the Cambridge 
patient, Dr. Briggs? 

Dr. Briggs. In splendid condition, sir. 

Dr. Carver. Yes, of course. {Enter office 
hoy. ) 

Office Boy. Telegram for you, sir. {Hands 
it to Dr. Carver, wJio slowly opens while ashing 
the next question.) 

Dr. Carver. How about the Lowell case. Dr. 
Bates.'* 

Dr. Bates (with some hesitation). The opera- 
tion was a perfect success, sir. 

Dr. Carver {reading telegram.) "Lowell, 2.10. 
Our patient not expected to live. Please advise. J. 
Doubty, M. D." Most extraordinary, my patients 
never die. Well, in any case, there is no question 
about the success of the operation. 

Dr. Winter. Mr. Ellis is here, sir. Shall I ask 
him to come in? 

Dr. Carver. Yes, show him in. {Dr. Winter 
crosses waiting room and brings in Mr. Ellis.) 
Ah, Mr. Ellis, you've brought the picture, have 
you? {Takes it from him.) Capital, capital. 
{Assistants press forward to look at the picture 
and patient admiringly. In chorus. Isn't that 
superb 9 ) 

Dr. Carver. Well, yes, I think we may say so. 



Scene IV 41 

That's modern surgery, gentlemen, only thirty-two 
operations to do it, too. (Pins picture on wall.) 
Well, Dr. Winter, see that the picture and Mr. 
Ellis are ready for me to show at the next meeting 
of the Surgical Association. Good afternoon, Mr. 
Ellis. (Exit Ellis and Dr. Winter, rear; the latter 
returns a moment later.) Next patient, Dr. Bates. 
{Dr. Bates goes to waiting room door and beckons 
to Joshua and Mirandy.) 

MiRANDY (putting her head through a crack of 
the waiting room door, and examining the office 
cautiously). I guess it's safe enough, Joshuay. I 
don't see none of them air blowin' up machines, or 
nothin'. (Enters, followed by Joshua.) Be you 
the surgeon man, Dr. Carver? 

Dr. Carver. I am. Sit down, please. (Joshua 
sits with his back to the Sarony picture, and Mi- 
randy facing it, she becomes lost in contemplation 
of it. ) You come from Dr. Worthhisword, do you 
not? 

Joshua. Yes, we dew, and darned lucky ter git 
here alive, I think. 

Dr. Carver (briskly). Well, what's the matter 
with you? 

Joshua. Wal, I hed thought some of askin' yer 
thet, myself. 

Dr. Carver. I mean, what do you complain of? 

Mirandy (diverting her eyes from the picture). 
Wal, naouw, Doctor, though I dew say it, thar 
ain't no uncomplaininer man in the hull state of 



42 A Day with the Specialists 

Vermaount than my Joshuay. {Returns to study 
of picture.) 

Dr. Carver (impatiently). What I want to 
know is, what are your symptoms? Have you got 
pain ? If so, where and how much ? Where do you 
feel bad? In your head, your heels, your stomach, 
your back, your front, and what does it feel like? 

Joshua. Wal, ef ye'd said thet, fust off, we'd 
hev got hitched up some quicker, I guess. Wal, 
naouw, ez ter pain — 

MiRANDY (with eyes fixed on picture). Wal, 
ain't he plain? 

Joshua (turning and seeing the picture). Wal, 
he be, some. Looks ter me kinder deskerreged. 
Wal, he'd look a heap sight better goin' than he 
would a-comin'. 

Dr. Carver (has moved over and seated himself 
opposite Joshua and begun to feel him over with 
one hand, passes his fingers through Joshua's hair). 
Hallo ! what's this ? How long have you had these ? 

Joshua. Hed what? I didn't know ez I hed 
anythin' pertickler thar. What be they ? 

Dr. Carver. Why, wens. Wens, sir. Surely 
you must have known they were there. However, a 
very simple affair. A matter of five minutes to take 
them out. 

Joshua. I wanter know ! Wal, they ain't never 
troubled me none. 

Dr. Carver (seizes Joshua hy the back of the 
neck and turns him round). Well, well. (Beckons 



Scene IV 43 

to his assistants. ) Gentlemen, you will seldom have 
an opportunity to see a more beautiful example of 
Adiposa Concretosa than we have here. Feel of it. 
(Assistants manipulate Joshua's neck freely.) Do 
you get the convoluted border, Dr. Briggs? 

Dr. Briggs. Yes, indeed. It is perfectly de- 
fined. What method would you employ for removal 
in such a case, Doctor? 

Dr. Carver. Oh, transfixion. With a good, 
long, sharp, thin knife ; and then twist and tear it 
out of its bed with one quick movement of the 
hand. You must have seen me do it often? 

Joshua {whose face has been groxcing longer and 
longer each moment). Say, air you a-talkin' 
'baout me? Cos ef yer be, I kin tell yer, right 
naouw, thet thar ain't a-goin' ter be no twisten 
things outen their beds an' sich like, not ef Joshuay 
S. Slocum knows himself. 

Dr. Carver. Nonsense, nonsense. You cannot 
judge of these matters properly, and it would be a 
great pity to go home without having so simple a 
thing done as this will be. 

Joshua. Wal, it ain't never troubled me none, 
ez fur ez I know. 

Dr. Carver {feeling of Joshua's knee, giving it 
a sharp grip, causing Joshua to start convulsively 
in his chair). How long have you had that beauti- 
ful housemaid's knee on your leg? 

Mirandy {in high dudgeon). What's thet? 
Haousemaid's knee on Joshuay's leg? {Rising and 



44 A Day with the Specialists 

advancing threateningly toward the doctor.) I 
guess not ! There ain't never been no haousemaid's 
knee onter Joshuay's leg, an' what's more, thar 
ain't likely ter be s'long ez I'm alive an' keep my 
health. The idee of any one's sayin' sech things 
'baout my Joshuay. 

Dr. Carver. There, there, Mrs. Slocum. You 
do not understand. Let me explain. What we call 
housemaid's knee is an innocent sort of tumor which 
comes on the knees of people who have to kneel a 
great deal, as housemaids do in scrubbing floors. 

MiRANDY (pacified and sitting down again). 
Wal, I'm glad it's innocent. It suttenly didn't 
sound so fust off. 

Dr. Carver. Well, we'll do that the same time 
with the other things. (Is about to resume his ex- 
amination, when interrupted by Joshua.) 

Joshua. I s'pose ye mek a discaount when yer 
tradin' wholesale, don't ye. Doc? Course I'd like 
ter trade with yer thet way, thet is, ef yer think 
my constitootion's rugged 'nuff ter dew it. 

Dr. Carver. We'll talk about that, Mr. Slocum, 
later, when I have found out what other things 
there are to be done. 

Joshua. Say, Doc, is it your 'peenion thet 
thar's any pertickler call ter find any more things 
ter whittle offen me, aoutside what we got ter tend 
ter, naouw.? P'raps I aint no jedge of sech mat- 
ters, but it dew look ter me 'sthough, when ye'd 
got threw with this job of trimmin' and prunin* 



Scene IV 46 

thet ye've laid aout a'reddy, thar wouldn't be 
more'n 'nufF left ter mek northin' above an average 
decent fun'ral, an' so I — 

Dr. Carver. Oh, come, come, Mr. Slocum, 
there's no question of funerals with such trifling 
matters as these, but perhaps they are enough for 
one -da}'. (Turns to Dr. Winter.) Dr. Winter, 
what is the first free da}^? 

Dr. Winter. Friday, of next week, sir. 

Dr. Carver. Very good. We will do Mr. 
Slocum at ten o'clock Friday morning, then. I'll 
see the next patient. Dr. Bates. Good day, sir. 
(Turns his back abruptly on Joshua and Mirandy, 
goes to his desk and sits down. ) 

Joshua. Wal, I dunno — ez — (Curtain falls 
on this sentence.) 



SCENE V 

Dr. Duckbill's Office 

In front of one corner of the stage, while the 
curtain is still down, is a slide bearing the following 
announcement : 

DOCTOR DUCKBILL, SUCCESSOR TO 
LYDIA PINKHAM. 



DOCTOR DUCKBILL S GREAT DISCOVERY 

EGYPTIAN RENOVATOR 

CURES 

ALL FEMALE WEAKNESSES 

CANCERS AND CORNS 

HEADACHE AND PARALYSIS 

TOOTHACHE, CONSUMPTION 

DYSPEPSIA, RHEUMATISM 

AND 

BLOOD HUMOURS 

Before the curtain rises, enter the Nervous Pa- 
tient. He takes a list from his pocket, compares it 
with the advertisement on the hoard. Groans, and 
says : 

Nervous Patient. Oh, of course. I might 
have known it. None of my diseases there. What 

46 



Scene V 47 

am I to do? I was not very strong when I began 
with the doctors, but now I am a wreck. I am sure 
that it must require a very strong constitution to 
Hve through the treatment of so many doctors as I 
have been to. (Exit with tottering step.) 

Curtain rises, discovering Dr. Duckbill seated in 
a revolving chair with his feet on his desk. He 
wears a broad brimmed sombrero and flowing dark 
locks come to his shoulders. On the wall is a large 
print of Lydia Pinkham, draped in mourning. An- 
other colored print of naked aborigines gathering 
herbs in the forest. Two large jars containing col- 
ored fluids stand on a shelf, and beside them other 
smaller jars of dried herbs, etc., etc. 

Enter Joshua and Mirandy, the former almost 
dragged through the door by the latter, he being 
reduced to the consistency of a wet dish cloth by 
his previous experiences. Before they can be seated. 
Dr. Duckbill advances impressively to them, and 
placing his finger solemnly upon Joshua's forehead, 
goes into a trance and speaks in a dreamy voice. 

Dr. Duckbill. Yes, it is becoming clear, yes, 
yes. The liver — the liver — the liver — bile fawcet 
rusted — badly rusted. Liver warped. Ah — um ! — 
lungs, spasms — spasms of the lungs, — Hyperboles 
on the stomach, two of them — yes, and large. 
Chylo-poetic Hypochondrium sprained, — Cauli- 
flower com on the left kidney — Ah, yes, yes, that is 
all. (Comes out of trance. Walks back to his 
chair with evident signs of exhaustion, slowly re- 



48 A Day with the Specialists 

vives.) Ah, these repeated strains on my cerebro- 
spinal meningitis. It will end by kilhng me, I 
know. But — it is in the cause of suffering hu- 
manity, and I am content. (Turns to scribe.) 
Read me what was revealed in the trance. {Scribe 
reads. ) 

Dr. Duckbill. As you see, sir, your case is not 
a simple one. 

Joshua. Wal, thet's 'baout my own idee. 

Dr. Duckbill. But, sir, there is no need to 
despair. No ! not so long as I live to help the 
sufferer, need any one abandon hope. It is my 
happy mission to cure. Yes, to cure. I can guar- 
antee that you will not need more than three bottles 
of my great Egyptian Renovator Number 3, to 
start you well on the road to health. It is almost 
magical in its effect. A marvel, sir ! 

Joshua (interrupting). Dew tell! Haouw 
'baout them Hyperboles on my stummick.'' Hev ye 
got anythin' thet'll cure them n^? 

Dr. Duckbill. That, my dear sir, is the least 
difficult part of the whole trouble. 

Joshua. Is thet so? 

Dr. Duckbill. The first thing to do Is to flush 
your main soil pipe — er — er — that is to say — to 
free the pancreatic duodenal curvatures. 

Joshua. Wal, haouw be I ter dew thet? 

Dr. Duckbill. Renovator Number 3, sir. Ren- 
ovator Number 3. It works miracles. Yes, sir, 
right here in our day and generation. 



Scene V 49 

Joshua. I wanter know. 

Dr. Duckbill. Sure ! But I must tell you 
that in order to have it work to any advantage, 
your ventilating system has got to be in good shape. 
{Becomes oblivious of everything in reawakened 
enthusiasm for his old trade.) And that, too, is 
just work thrown away, if your supply piping 
isn't working all right. The fact is, that in a com- 
plicated case like yours, I am just as sure as that 
I sit here, that the cheapest thing in the end is to 
rip out all your old piping and start in fresh. If 
you don't, your overflow will be getting stopped 
up from time to time, and you'll be springing a 
leak. Still, if you don't want to lay out so much 
money all at once, I could, of course, patch up your 
water tank and fix your ball valve so that you could 
go along for a while. And there's nothing in this 
world that will do that like my late lamented friend, 
Lydia Pinkham's ovarian tonic. I tell you, sir, 
that nothing will do for you what that will, and 
while I speak of it, I cannot too highly recommend 
it for j'^our lady friend here, for, of course, its spe- 
cial province is to cure female weaknesses. 

MiRANDY (who has been listening with growing 
wrath). I rather think I know somethin' 'baout 
Joshuay Slocum, an' ef thar's one thing he don't 
need, it's no ovarian tonic, an' ef ye think I show 
any pertikler signs of female weaknesses, I guess 
I'll hev ter persuade ye thet ye're mistaken, an' ef 
Joshuay is so- sick thet he can't larn ye manners, 



^^ A Day with the Specialists 

wal, I guess I bean't, an' I reckon ez I will . {Ad- 
vances with bellicose intent.) 

Joshua (rvJio has risen, removed his coat and 
specs, folded coat and laid it on a chair, restrains 
Mirandy, pushes her to one side vnto a chair, and 
says in a tone of decision). Mirandy, you take yer 
settin', an' stay thar till I git threw with my argy- 
rhent with the Doc here. {Beginning to make a 
series of grotesque and warlike movements in front 
of the Doctor.) I uster be purty middlin' spry, 
an' I guess I aint fergot so much but what I kin 
show any sech Shanghai rooster ez you be, thet yer 
can't be sassy to Mirandy Slocum. {Continuing 
pantomime and feinting at the Doctor, who has he- 
gun to look decidedly alarmed.) B'gosh, I begin 
ter feel kinder kinky. {Pantomime.) Jerush}'^! 
darned ef I don't b'lieve I'm 'baout right. {Reaches 
out with a powerful comprehensive gesture, grabs 
the Doctor round the neck and hauls him round 
under his arm into chancery. ) Thet's the way I got 
Jim Price when he cheated on thet boss trade 
twenty-five year ago las' June. {Swings the Doc- 
tor about the room, punching his head.) This beats 
cowcumbers ! I hain't bed so much fun sence the 
Fourth of July, 1872. {Casts the Doctor with a 
final effort into one corner of the room.) Thar, 
thet's 'baout whar ye b'longs. He looks kinder 
haouw — come — yer — so, don't he, Mirandy.'' (^5- 
sumes an erect and vigorous attitude, walks briskly 
across the stage and resumes his coat and specs; 



Scene V 51 

turning to Mirandy.) Mirandy, I'm feelln' real 
spruced up. I hain't felt so well fer ten year. I 
don't b'lieve ther's northin' the matter with me, an' I 
reckon I could go home right naouw, an' go ter- 
hoein' pertaters, real peart. 

Mirandy (with a knowing look and evident sat- 
isfaction). Joshuay, I'll hev ter allow thet I've 
took considdable chances in puttin' ye threw all 
ye've lied ter dew with these here specialists, but I 
didn't see no other way ter do it, fer it's jes' as Eli- 
phalet said. Ye'd got yer min' med up ter bein' 
sick permanent, an' thar warn't northin' much short 
of a convulsion of nater thet would persuade yer to 
the contrary, an' thar ain't northin' unless it be 
arthquakes or deluges maybe, thet I ever hearn tell 
on, thet is a bigger convulsion of nater than what 
them specialists be. But ye always was rugged, ef 
ye'd only tho't so, an' so ye've lived threw 'em, an' 
we'll go hum this afternoon. But I hev ter tell ye 
one thing, Joshuay. It's goin' ter be you instead 
er me thet's doin' the hustlin' fer the nex' ten years, 
for I've gone out er the business. 

Joshua. Wal, I'm darned ! 



Final Curtain 



DEt 



One copy del. to Cat. Div. 
IM- lie 1S10 



